ramblings from a ragamuffin

Grace for Even Me

2012-01-16T17:46:00.001-08:00

I'm currently reading with a small group of women a book called Grace for the Good Girl by Emily Freeman. And while for most of my life I would have considered myself a "good girl," somewhere along the way God's grace and mercy released me from the need to wear masks. I still wear them on occasion. It usually involves my laid-back personality, my ability to not show I'm self-concious, and my indifference. I'm a person that will usually speak what I'm thinking (when it is appropriate), and I can't "fake" well when it comes to my emotions toward others. I don't always play nice with my attitude. I'm still working on that. With that said, there are some points in Freeman's book so far that have stuck with me that I would like to share.

"And then there is God" (18). Throughout the text, and often throughout my days, I have been finding myself repeating this line to myself. And then there is God...

But I don't know how.... And then there is God.

But I don't know when....And then there is God.

But I don't know why....And then there is God.

But I don't know....And then there is God.

It seems to continually answer all of my questions. Because the power that resides in me with the Holy Spirit is limitless. The same Spirit that raised Lazarus from the dead is the same Spirit that wants to work those same miracles in my life. He wants to show me that same unending love. He wants to raise those things in me that need life back to breathing. And so.... I remind myself... and then there is God.

". . .Our masks mix with our personality and circumstances. Before we know it, we don't really know who we are, and nobody else does, either" (24-25).

This used to be me. Thank you, Jesus, that You broke these chains. I see this all around me in my day-to-day. And it saddens me. At the end of the day, I ask myself... whose opinion of "me" matters, and the only one that continues to resound in my head is Jesus. His opinion matters. That's it. As long as I am OK with Him, nothing else really matters.

"And I'm embarrassed at the predicable pattern of defeat that my life has become" (25).

This is fairly self-explanatory. It's the truth, too.

"I had heard the truth, that there was no man who could fill the ache inside from all of those empty parts that were never satisfied. I heard only Jesus could do that. Still, I thought maybe. Maybe our marriage will be different. Better. Other-than. Enough" (29).

After seven years of marriage, I finally believe what I have heard. As long as we are earth, we will fail one another. We will be selfish. We will hurt with words. We will make unwise choices. I thought my marriage would be different. Luckily, God rescued me from that misconception. With Him at the center, it has radically changed my marriage.

"The Good Mom" p. 30-31

This passage just made me feel normal about the dishes in my sink, the trash in my car, the laundry piled up to the doorknob, the clean laundry leaning like the Tower of Pisa, the 9x13 pan of lasagna still sitting in my fridge. Thank you, Emily. I'm normal.

"When we believe that God expects us to try hard to become who Jesus wants us to be, we will live in that blurry, frustrating land of Should Be rather than trust in The One Who Is. . . Jesus isn't even in the room" (32).

I want Jesus in the room with me. I want to always remember..."because Jesus"...I can rest not in all the things I want/should/hope to be, but I can rest in all of those things He has called me to be.

"We believe that any amount of broken mess disqualifies us from useful activity for God, we determine to stay decidedly unbroken" (51).

This one makes me want to stand on a soap-box for a bit. So, please allow me a moment to do so. I have learned that the "broken mess" is what actually QUALIFIES you. That's right. When I am sitting across from someone, having a heart-to-heart, I don't want to hear about your perfect world of make believe. We all have crap (sorry, messes in our lives). I just choose to not hide behind mine. I've learned that there is a time a place to share my mess. However, God uses my messes to teach me, to teach others, to encourage me, to encourage others, to heal me, and to heal others. The way that he has used 6 high school girls in my life to teach me is unbelievable. It has broken me. It has made me a better mother, teacher, wife, friend, and daughter. They want to hear some of my ugliness. They then feel normal when I tell them they aren't alone. Hiding behind the I'm fine and I'm great doesn't really have a place for me. This isn't easy. It takes energy. It takes vulnerability. And I don't do it all the time. But, let's just say it is my preferred choice of interaction. Unfortunately, I get so rare occasion to share what is really deep, deep down. I fully believe many things in my life have occurred to make II Corinthians 1:3-7 relevant in my life.

³ Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, ⁴ who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. ⁵ For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ. ⁶ If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. ⁷ And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.

"You and I can now go to him in freedom and joy, not to gain favor but because we already have it. We are free to draw near rather than to try to please from afar" (76).

Wow. We already have it. Draw near. Draw Near.

"There is more power in sharing weakness than our strengths" (86). - Brennan Manning

All I can muster for this one is Amen, Brennan. Amen. (By the way, one of my favorite books is Brennan Manning's A Ragamuffin Gospel... hence my blog title.)

"And you will smile and wave from a distance, because who they think you are is infinitely more important than who you really are" (92).

This breaks my heart. Lord, may we all rest in who we are in You and You alone.

"We have a Creator who knows about the swing. He set it into motion" (144).

Thank goodness! My quiet time or TAWG doesn't always have to be an early morning watching the glorious sunset with a fresh cup of coffee and my notes, bible, highlighters, etc spread around me as I spend time with God. Some of my greatest moments with God are in my car at 7:30 in the morning as I lift my hands in worship (I can only imagine what people think as they pass by me) and in earnest prayer for those around me. Those moments far outweigh my uncomfortable couch.

An encounter with God results in action. (My paraphrase of p. 153-154)

I'm working on this one. I'm really trying.

We don't need fixing. We need healing.

We don't need fixing. We need healing.

I don't need fixing. I need healing.

And then there is God.

Survey in response to FPFG

2012-01-12T18:07:00.001-08:00

current guilty pleasure: The Paper.... Particularly the Speak Out sectioncurrent nail color: Uh, no. current playlist: Hillsong United - "Arms Open Wide"current read: Kisses for Katie, book of Lukecurrent drink: coffee.current food: Martin's Killer Browniescurrent favorite show: Reruns of Officecurrent wish list: A new couchcurrent needs: more determinationcurrent triumphs: loving more current bane of my existence: Planter Fasctitiscurrent celebrity crush: Dace Matthews... Stillcurrent indulgence: Ticket To Ride with hubbycurrent blessing: obedience current outfit:heather sweatshirt blazer, navy blue shirt, grey work-out pants (I'm in school clothes from the waste up)current excitement: still on a high from being pampered bt Apple in Chicago current mood: exhaustedcurrent link: Passion 2012 all accessI have so many posts worth while to write. But, they will have to wait for another day.

I'm Still Here

2011-11-14T21:12:00.000-08:00

I'm a bit shocked that it's been three months. School hadn't even started yet. And here I sit, finishing up the first term of the 2011-2012 school year, and I am just now sitting down to write about it.

Would you like the excuses? No? Well, I will feel better giving them to you.

I like to sleep. So often, I choose going to bed over writing.

I don't like sitting in my laundry room all by myself.

I only get the time to write when EVERYONE is in bed.

I don't like going to bed and hubby already being sound asleep.

I'm busy.

Ok, now that the excuses are out of the way, I'll really share.

When I wrote this summer, I spoke so loudly about getting healthy. Guess what? It lasted a few weeks into school starting. I made excuses (are you seeing a common theme here?), I wasn't seeing the results I thought I should see, and overall, I just was tired of "finding time" for myself. So I sit here, three months later, and no healthier than I was before. Don't get me wrong. I think about getting back on that treadmill... On those nice brisk days about getting out and hitting the pavement... but that is all the further it goes. I think about it. Too bad life isn't made up of all that we think of doing. Where might we actually be if that was the case?

My days seem to have been filled with kindergarten and all the sickness that it brings as Savannah is a petri dish for every illness she never got since she didn't attend preschool. And yes, her little sister gets it eventually.

My days are spent teaching Literature to students who generally don't care. Some days one can hear, "Do we have to do this?" so many times before I want to reply with, "No, I already know it. I've read this 4 times already today and for the past 7 years, so "we" don't have to. But you do. So enjoy."

My days are spent trying to make sure I don't forget something important I was supposed to do, or a bill I was supposed to pay on time.

My days are spent with wondering why the clothes on the floor generally don't belong to me, but for some reason, I get to pick them up and put them where they belong.

My days are spent wondering if when I pick up a room, and walk out of it, if it will ever stay that way.

My days are spent hoping that we sell a motorcycle so that we can purchase some furniture. A girl (and her hubby and two kids) can only cram onto a tiny loveseat with so much love. Especially when the wooden braces are pushing into your sides and the staples are sticking out of the arms. But this girl refuses to go into more debt just to be "comfortable."

Lately my days have been spent trying to read this

so that I can try to help guide 6 Senior girls through some of the toughest waters I have ever seen. When I prayed "Expand my territory, God," I didn't expect for all the joy, pain, love, encouragement, and heartbreak that it could bring. I know, I know God is using this time now to prepare me for my girls when they hit this age. The lies that Satan is telling these girls are really not much different than when I was there age (or that I hear now.) The difference is the force with which these lies are being thrown at them.

While I read that for them, I am reading this for me.

And although I don't really see myself as the "good girl," I do know that I do an awful lot of hiding. I just don't want to admit that I do. I do a great job of faux self-confidence. (Oh wow, I just put that out there.)

But there is one line that I took from this week's reading from Grace... It is this:

And then there is God (18).

So although this post, my first post back after such a long time, seems to be negative... me complaining about how my days are filled... about me going on and on about my daily stuff.... the thing that rescues me is this: And then there is God. And then there is Jesus. And then there is the Holy Spirit.

At the end of the day, they are there to pick me up. God is there to give me the grace I so desperately don't deserve.

He is there to remind me that although I didn't make it to the treadmill today, I am still loved because I am fearfully and wonderfully made, in His image.

He is there to remind me that although my babies keep picking up pesky illnesses, I do have two babies on loan to me from Him. And through my love, care, compassion, and guidance, they will hopefully catch a little of Him.

Jesus is there to remind me that although I have students that could care less about Literature, they do care about being loved and acknowledged for who they are. I will be the first to admit that I don't do this everyday for every student. But I do try to be His hands and feet and teach with a light that shines brightly. I know for some, that they will never read a Bible or go to church. However, they may see Jesus in me. And that may just be enough.

The Holy Spirit is there to remind me that although I don't always remember what I'm doing or what bills I'm paying, He is the Comforter that brings me peace when I feel I just can't make the dollar stretch any more.

Collectively, They remind me that I am blessed to have clothes to pick up. I am blessed to have a home to clean. I am blessed to have a loveseat... no matter how snuggly it can sometimes get. I am blessed. I am blessed. I. Am. Blessed.

And those girls... those girls that stretch my heart bigger so that I can love others outside of my own skin and flesh and blood more... God uses them to remind me that age does not effect our ability to encourage, love, give, play, laugh, cry, and trust others. These girls have brought me closer to Him. They have shown me His light ever more clearly in my own life.

Give it a try. Ask God to expand your territory. See what happens. I dare ya.

My feet let me down today, but He didn't.

2011-08-05T06:41:00.000-07:00

I went for my first "run" outside yesterday since the heat/humidity broke. I have been running on the DREADmill, and although it bores me out of my mind to stare at the blue outlet box, I didn't realize how much of a shock absorber it was for my body.

So, I hit the pavement last night, feeling confident, and it didn't take long (actually, only about 15 minutes into it) to realize that my body was not agreeing with my confidence. My back hurt. My knees were lead. And my right foot was getting that shooting pain I had two years ago when I stopped running.

About minute 24, I gave up running. I walked. And it was weird. Because what I heard was Jesus saying, "OK, now that I have your attention, let me talk to you. You can't hear Me over your raucous breathing. You can't hear me over your constant supervision of the watch on your wrist. So, stop running, and listen."

So I did. And I learned a two things:

1. What my expectations are for myself or situations, rarely happen. However, what Jesus often has in store is much more rewarding.

2. It's okay to be angry and to feel hurt in life. My biggest lesson right now is what I do with it. I can be angry, and not sin. Jesus got pretty angry at the moneychangers in the Temple in Matthew. However, in his anger, he did not sin. Unfortunately, I don't have that down yet. Often when I am angry or hurt, my tongue is the first to spring into action. This week in my TAWG I have been reading through James. And James puts it right out there about how dangerous of a weapon the tongue can be.

James 3:2-6 : We all stumble in many ways. Anyone who is never at fault in what they say is perfect, able to keep their whole body in check. When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal. Or take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go. Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one’s life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.

This is a verse I should have tattooed on my forearms so that it never leaves my sight. Much of my life I have struggled with how to best keep my mouth shut in moments I feel I "deserve" to speak up. My mother has often told me that silence is often the best response. I should be a wall for others' words to bounce off and return to them in the void of saying anything else. Let them hear themselves talk.

This morning when I got up, my body hurt from yesterday. What hurt more, however, were those moments when I could not undo those things that I had said. I am often right in my anger, but often very WRONG in my response.

Lord, help me today to control my tongue. Help me to control the words that spring from my heart. Guide my intentions and motives today in what I say and do. Let this be a day where you are pleased with me and how I've tried to live for You.

I Say A Little Prayer for You....

2011-06-21T20:47:00.000-07:00

So, this post is perhaps long overdue. It isn't going to be filled with cute pictures of my children. It isn't going to be filled with pictures of my out-of-control garden. It isn't going to be filled with my Summer Bucket List. Don't worry, all of those things are coming.

But tonight, it's something different.

You see, I've been trying to deny some things, and I just can't do it anymore.

I've allowed myself to live in a fog for about 7 months now. Well, consistently 7 months. When I have had the desire to do something more, I have made an excuse. I'm not in denial about these being excuses. I know exactly what they are. I hate when people say "I'm not making excuses but,...." because seriously, that's what they are doing. So, I made excuses. Excuses why I wasn't reading my Bible more, excuses why I wasn't reading my small group text, excuses why I wasn't journaling, excuses why I wasn't blogging, and excuses why I wasn't running (please note: I use the term running loosely. I don't believe a 12 minute mile is running; however, the idea of walking is so boring to me that I have to throw in some jogging to get through it.)

In other words, excuses why I wasn't taking care of myself emotionally, spiritually, and physically.

The thing about summer: my excuses are gone. And so, I notice myself living in a fog. And unfortunately it has been a dense fog with an indefinite fog delay, allowing me to stay "inside" and not live.

My priorities have shifted from where I was two years ago.

Tonight I was on my inaugural run (I've had about three of these in the last two years), and I felt something click. The Holy Spirit brought some things to mind that really made me settle into myself and see where I am. I wish when I "ran" I had a notepad in my brain that would record all of the thoughts that happen. I think of so many things that I want to remember, knowing that when I walk in the door from being out I will be bombarded by "Mom, you know wh-a-a-a-a-a-a-t?" Don't get me wrong, these questions (1000x day) are precious, and I cherish them greatly. However, they have the ability to run all of my thoughts right out of my head as it is filled with how many "Wolly Wockets" (aka Polly Pockets) one can fit into a speed boat.

As I was saying, I settled into myself and realized a few things.

1. When I take care of myself, I take care of my relationship with Christ. On the road, sweating, panting, begging for grace, ignoring the eyes looking back at me that say "Oh, you poor woman, you try so hard," I have clarity. Jesus speaks to me. About how I treated my husband. About how I missed an opportunity to play with my girls because I needed to check facebook in the morning with a cup of coffee instead. You see, by "me" being put on the back-burner, Jesus was also put there. I don't like to admit this, but if you know anything about me, I can't fake it. I've never been a "fake-it-till-you-make-it" kinda girl. If my hubby and I are disagreeing, you'll know it by the silence between us when you sit beside us in a restaurant. I just can't act like something or do something that is not true to me. And so, this "fog" is not true to me. I have to name it, so I, with God's help, can change it. So there is my current truth about my current status with Jesus. He has always been there. He is still showing himself to me. I still invite him into parts of my day ("Sweet Jesus, help me not jam the remote down my husband's throat as he continues to chew on it"). But I haven't invited him into every detail of my day. I've kinda forgotten He's there even when I don't call on Him.

2. My prayer life sucks. Yes, I said the awful 's' word. It S.U.C.K.S. And so, I want to make a commitment to those of you reading this (i.e.. mom, dad, and maybe my hubby if I ask him if he read my blog) that as I "run," I will say a little prayer for you. My playlist tonight was set to shuffle. But it was amazing that every time a song came on, I felt the need to pray the words over a certain person. Some of the people were people I didn't know but passed as I was puffing down the road. Some of the people were friends that I deeply love. But I think this is a good place to start. Although Joey's prayer every meal is sweet, precious, and completely what God loves (she is always sure to thank Jesus for the coffee shop and bakery?), that isn't enough for me to have time with Him.

3. So the last thing that I can remember is this one request. Will you pray for me? I don't want this fog to just be a brief clearing. As I type this, Pandora is playing the old hymn "I Need Thee Every Hour." How fitting. Please pray that I continue to make this time for Jesus. I need Him every hour. You need Him every hour. I just need to make sure that I can meet Him for an Hour on the road, at least 4 days a week. I'm excited to see how this not only changes my physical state, but how it also changes my mental and spiritual state.

"Oh bless me now my Saviour, I come to thee."

A Slice of Cake... and lots of Attitude

2011-05-22T17:09:00.000-07:00

I can hardly believe it was three years ago...

Little baby Jo-Jo came into this world via planned C-Section. Savannah was such a chore, so I didn't want to end up after 36 hours of labor and 8 hours of pushing to hear, "Ehhh... I think we are going to have to do C-Section." So we planned it. Picked the date.

She was perfect in every way.

Not much has changed... except the attitude :)

When I look at pictures, she still has that bright smile...

First birthday.

The beautiful brown hair, dark black eyes, and alabaster skin. (Notice her sister peering into the picture. If it's possible, I think Savannah is the one that looks up to her sister. Her younger sister, at that.)

Second birthday.

She loves sweets... especially chocolate.

Second birthday, cont.

But what I can't get over is that attitude. Girlfriend has a face for every occasion, and she knows just how to play this momma with the crocodile tears and the line that goes, "Momma. You broke my heart and made it sooooo sad."

So we had party....

Sweet cheeks had her Tangled cake (a little improvising.... it was originally a Tinker Bell cake, minus the Tinker Bell paraphernalia, plus Tangled dolls my wonderful mother purchased)...

And you'll notice... that along with the piece of cake... slowly came...

the attitude.

Grandma mentioned the presents.... and it changed her tune.

But, don't think for one moment that the attitude went far.

And if you question me,

Just look at her with her dad. I'm not sure words are needed.... the legs crossed... the arms up in the air....

Sweet cheeks always

oozes sass!

But, that's what happens when she turns '3', right?

Belated Post

2011-05-08T13:48:00.000-07:00

It arrived!

I tracked it...for days and days... from China to Chicago, to Memphis to South Bend.

I greeted the Fed Ex man with a smile wider than the Nile.

I opened it...

slowly....

but I suppose I'll enjoy it more

at nap time.

P.S. I got this wonderful gift over Spring Break. It has since found its wonderful place in our family. The girls (with supervision) have learned to enjoy and learn from it. Adam and I are both equally addicted to Angry Birds.

To buy....

2011-03-09T18:39:00.000-08:00

To buy.....

or not to buy......

That is the question. I have been saving my money for 7 long months... working extra hours, saving when I normally would have been spending.

And now, I just can't quite justify it.

A Failure of Epic Proportions

2011-01-25T10:31:00.000-08:00

Sadly, this failure doesn't surprise me. I'm really good about letting "life" and "stuff" get in the way. I made a committment 56 days ago to do The Beauty Project. Unfortunately, I made it to day 16 (and not with consistency) and have sinced stopped.

Notice, I didn't say quit. I stopped.

So, now it is time to pick it up. I don't expect anyone to actually read this list, but I owe it to myself to make good on a commitment. So.... here it goes, in no particular order.

Beauty #17: The return of a stolen Vocabulary answer key. Long story.
Beauty #18: Signing off of facebook for awhile.
Beauty #19: Trying to stay off of facebook... for awhile.
Beauty #20: Reminding myself that facebook did not make my life more beautiful.
Beauty #21: Teaching To Kill a Mockingbird for the 26th time..... because it is just that good.
Beauty #22: Joey throwing away her own pacy. One day, she just decided she was done. No pushing, no prodding, no bribing.
Beauty #23: Joey deciding at 2 1/2 she was potty trained.
Beauty #24: Bittersweet beauty in the fact my baby isn't a baby anymore (see #22 and #23).
Beauty #25: My group of junior girls that keep me young and on my knees.

whew! ok....
Beauty #26: Sweatpants... all weekend long.
Beauty #27: Snow. If it is going to be freezing, it might as well be beautiful.
Beauty #28: Paper clips.
Beauty #29: A husband that cooks. Goodness knows I'd be at my mom's every night or eat pb&j if he wasn't around. I just don't like all that you have to do for it to disappear so quickly :)
Beauty #30: Mario Kart. Seriously, I spend too much time wrapped up into this game. I'm fairly positive there is a little man inside my wii counsel that is purposely making me lose at the last minute so that I can't defeat the last "stage" of the game, keeping me coming back for more! I will rule you, Mario Kart!

Enough, for now... I gotta breathe :)

Beauty Project: Day 16

2010-12-22T11:47:00.000-08:00

This last weekend, Adam and I got to celebrate for an evening in Chicago. Every other year I get to plan our celebration... and oddly enough, every year we usually end up in Chicago. Once it was for a nice dinner, once it was for the coldest Bears game in history, and this time it was for a nice dinner, again. But more than anything, it was just time to get away without all the "mom, mom, mom, mom... mom" and all the rear-wiping. Don't get me wrong, after 24 hours I missed those things... but for that 24 hours, I was in heaven.

Unfortunately, I forgot to take my camera. Nice. The good news is I found pictures that would help showcase our time :)

We took the South Shore up on Saturday afternoon. Then we checked into our hotel- The James.

We spent some time window shopping on Michigan Avenue.

Yes, please, Crate and Barrel. I will take you home now.

I could have read forever in this chair. Instead, I ooh-ed and ahh-ed with my Starbucks in hand.

Oh, and we went into this store three times.

Once to drool, once to warm up, and once to check the train schedule. Seriously, this is on my Christmas list, Santa. But I know I'll have to save my pennies for another time. And even then, I feel a bit indulgent doing even that.

After window shopping, we headed to our reservations at Weber Grill.

Not the best atmosphere for a romantic dinner, but the foot was incredible. Absolutely incredible. Particularly the pretzel bread rolls. The wait staff was awesome, they treated us to dessert for our Anniversary, and since we had reservations, we didn't have to wait in line to eat for three hours like others did.

Breakfast was also delicious. (Sounds like we went on vacation to eat :)) But across the street we found the yummiest little place. E.leaven... most witty name, too.

We packed up that morning, walked around a bit more, then hopped on the train home.

The highlight of the train ride was definitely hearing someone by the name of David Lynch try to tell a girl over the phone that he just turned 30 (no way! At least 38!), that he was goofy and awkward and lacked self-esteem. I kept wanting to interfere and remind him that if he was trying to woo this girl (which he was), he was doing a very poor job at it. Somehow he ended up convincing her to go on a date to Bonefish next week...all this despite the fact that he continued to share his father was thrown out of ND at 18 for drugs and for getting a girl pregnant at 16. Oh, and she went off to live in a convent and gave birth to said smooth talker The stories we learned kept us giggling all the way to Chicago. Thanks, David. Usually these train rides are a bit boring.

So, Day 16 Beauty... (although I'm still behind) was a great time with my hubbs. We pretend we are city folk for 24 hours, and then come back to our sweats and Mario Kart!

Beauty Project: Day 15 - Labor of Love

2010-12-15T20:04:00.000-08:00

Dear God,

Thank You for Your Son. Thank you for a young girl with a heart so brave. Thank you for a man that heard Your voice so clearly and followed. May I never, every lose sight of what Christmas is really about. May Your birth, as un"royal" as it was, always remind me that you are the King of my life. May Your beauty always shine in me and around me so that others may see You and Your love and forgiveness. Thank you, Lord, for the beauty of words and music. Thank you for speaking to me in the quietest of moments. Thank You for Your Son, My Savior. I'm overwhelmed by His beauty.

Your daughter,

Mindi

*********************************************
I heard the following song today in the car for the first time. I've since listened to it four times. And everytime, it breaks me. I encourage you to not only listen to the song, but read the lyrics. I have not heard His birth described so humbly ever before. What a great reminder....

"Labor of Love" by Andrew Peterson, as sung by Jill Phillips

It was not a silent night
There was blood on the ground
You could hear a woman cry
In the alleyway that night
On the streets of David's town

And the stable was not clean
And the cobblestones were cold
And little Mary full of grace
With the tears upon her face
Had no mother's hand to hold

It was a labor of pain
It was a cold sky above
But for the girl on the ground in the dark
With every beat of her beautiful heart
It was a labor of love

Noble Joseph by her side
Callused hands and weary eyes
There were no midwives to be found
In the streets of David's town
In the middle of the night

So he held her and he prayed
Shafts of moonlight on his face
But the baby in her womb
He was the Maker of the moon
He was the Author of the faith
That could make the mountains move

It was a labor of pain
It was a cold sky above
But for the girl on the ground in the dark
With every beat of her beautiful heart
It was a labor of love
For little Mary full of grace
With the tears upon her face
It was a labor of love

Beauty Project: Day 14

2010-12-14T13:12:00.000-08:00

My student teacher.... and his ability to rap for my students... is beautiful. The education system needs more of this.

Beauty Project: Days 9-13.... let's not talk about how far behind I am...

2010-12-13T13:34:00.000-08:00

So, stick with me. They are out of order. I'm a bit out of order. Getting back to teaching uses a part of brain that has been on hold for a good 14 weeks....

Day 9:

My home at Christmas. It is even finer since I hold so many fond memories of this home. Christmas as a child is permanently stuck in my brain.... especially since I live in the house I grew up in. My tree is in a different location, I decorate a bit differently, but the warm, fuzzy feeling is all the same. Beautiful

Day 10:

Speaking of growing up in this home and all its memories... yesterday as I was lounging around I thought remembered music of my childhood. Particularly a specific LP. I called my mom to ask the name of the group. After a long time of searching on itunes... I could not find it.

But, there is a saint out there, who has taken the time to painstakingly digitized and release for everyone this album.

It has a 60's style to it... it reminds me of Bing Crosby and Ella Fitzgerald with a hint of show choir (I'd say Glee, but honestly, I can't stomach that show anymore). When I saw the album cover posted, I flashed back to being a little girl, helping my mom decorate our tree, play the piano, and roll out Santa sugar cookies (OK, since my mom reads these... I have to be honest. I didn't do much rolling... I mostly stuck the red hot noses on. I wasn't much for the kitchen.)

Anyway, if you are looking for some great holiday tunes, check out this blog. I could bless this guy a million times. Honestly, tears came to my eyes when I heard it. It has been over 25 years since I've heard this, but it instantly took me back in time. I burned a copy for my parents and ran it straight down to the in the snowstorm (doing a 360 at the nearest intersection). Beautiful music. Beautiful season.

Day 11:

OK... I'll follow the theme of music. This isn't a new song, but it currently ranks #1 on my current favorite Christmas song. Beautiful lyrics. Beautiful Baby. Beautiful promise.

Day 12:

Savannah has finally decided to try apples. And she loves them. Considering that for the past four years I was convinced that she thought if she ate one should would sleep forever, eating apples is a beautiful thing.

Day 13:

Snow Day. 'Nuff Said. That's beautiful.

Beauty Project: Day 8

2010-12-09T14:34:00.000-08:00

OK. My husband is going to kill me for this.... but, at least I told y'all how I went to meet God.

So, last night I was giving Hubbs a haircut. Joey, my youngest, walked into the bathroom and promptly sang, "cha-cha-cha-CHIA." If you know my husband, you know this is funny.

And if you know me, you know I thought this was beautiful.

Beauty Project: Day 7

2010-12-08T20:09:00.000-08:00

Still playing catch-up. But today, the local church bells were ringing at 5:00 pm. Call me sentimental, but I could live FOREVER in a town that still chimes bells on the hour... oh, and an occasional hymn from those same towers.

One day, I imagine those bells will be gone. It was a beautiful moment.

Beauty Project: Day 6

2010-12-08T09:06:00.000-08:00

I've been bad. I've lost track of the days. But I guess there is beauty in being so busy living well that this happens.

Anyway, the beauty I want to write about today is in this quick video.

Jesus, give me the strength, courage, wisdom, and love to be more like this.

Beauty Project: Day 4 and 5

2010-12-06T09:03:00.000-08:00

OK y'all. I had one of those weekends where I had a hard time seeing beauty. Maybe because me and the Mr. kept having "disagreements" over trivial things. Sometimes it seems a wrench comes flying at us and it gets stuck in our gears for a few days. That was this weekend. Nevertheless, I found beauty.

Day 4 -Darice Cracked Ice Decorative Crystals

OK. Go with me on this one. Saturday night was our Small Group Christmas party. While food was so-so, the games (well, let's just say I'm not a big party game person), the stories shared among good friends afterward was priceless. It has been months since I have laughed that hard. I mean, seriously, grown adults had tears in their eyes. Absolutely beautiful. However, the greatest moment of the entire evening was the clean-up. The decorating committee had purchased the above Ice Crystals for decoration in the votives. As they were being poured back into a container to use later, the most BEAUTIFUL part of the evening (and I'm afraid I'm not going to do this any justice) was putting my hand inside of this container of gel balls. Grown adults were ooo-ing and ahh-ing over how therapeutic it was. Again, I think I'm going to have to end this post for fear of being thought of weird. But trust me, y'all. It was one of the most beautiful experiences this weekend. I have a few others that would definitely agree with me.

Day 5 -

John 11:35 says, "Jesus wept." This was the scripture we were to delve over this week in Small Groups. At first I thought, wow.... Really? That's it. But amazingly enough, this verse was just what I needed. Looking through John 11, I stumbled upon verse 4. Verse 4 says (in a nutshell) that Lazarus' "sleep" was no mistake; rather, it came so that God could be glorified. The idea of God being glorified in my sorrow (or others') and pain sometimes, quite honestly, stinks. However, it brings so much hope knowing that through it all He will be glorified... and that He chose me to glorify Him. The beauty of this verse is in my small group. Six couples come together every Sunday morning to be authentic. And yesterday, we shared about weeping. When we have wept, why we wept, and how to best weep for others. There is beauty in grown adults sharing the "ugliness" of life that we so often gloss over. There is beauty in showing others that we don't have our act completely together. There is beauty in showing that we all weep, we all hurt, we all experience disappointment, and that we all desire to experience the unending, all-sustaining joy that Jesus promises. I'll weep to that kind of beauty.

Beauty Project: Day 3

2010-12-04T08:58:00.000-08:00

Yesterday's thing of beauty was friendship. Not the kind of friendship that is laughter and shopping. Not the kind of friendship that is superficial and convenient. This friendship is one that has been forged through God presenting himself to two women desiring His will. It hasn't been easy. The things we share are ugly, personal, and authentic. However, as we spent time together sharing and being one another's sounding board, I knew that this was why God created friendships.

As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.

Proverbs 27:17

Friendships aren't always easy. But when done right, they are definitely beautiful.

Beauty Project: Day 2

2010-12-03T06:03:00.000-08:00

This project has me thinking. And I can't appreciate it enough. I'm not thinking about how annoyed I am. I'm not thinking about how annoying others are. I'm thinking about beauty. And I'm constantly looking for beauty to write about. What a good charge, huh?

Well, last night I took my oldest shopping for a new dress for her Christmas program. Having two girls exactly two years apart means the youngest never needs clothes. However, poor Savannah is always in need, wearing pants up past her ankles and her tummy hanging out. She's a 5T, y'all... and I think I had her in 3T pants yesterday. Good thing she's a skinny one!

Anyway, I took her shopping yesterday at Kohl's for a new dress. And somehow, I found myself standing in front of those HORRENDOUS dressing room mirrors. You know the kind. They seem to catch every man-made flaw you didn't even know you had. Throw into that a four year old that has the ability to call it like she sees it ("hey mom, your tummy looks old!"), and it is a lucky thing I walked out of there without breaking every mirror. I stood there, looking at myself, wondering when did this happen? When did I become the "chubby" mom I never wanted to be? When did I become the mom that didn't really care all the time what I looked like?

And then something happened. I asked myself, When did I become the mom that allowed society to dictate what was beautiful?

My man-made flaws don't make me any less of a mother.
My flaws don't make me any less of a wife.
My flaws don't make me any less of a daughter.
My flaws don't make me any less of a teacher.
My flaws don't make me any less of a friend.
My flaws don't make me any less of a child of God.

Instead, these flaws are beautiful. Honestly, it is often difficult to look in a mirror, see my reflection, and call it beautiful. But thanks to this project, I'm redefining my definition of beautiful.

The beauty is in the obedience.
The beauty is in the forgiven.
The beauty is in the redeemed.
I, therefore, am beautiful in Him.

60 Days of Beauty Project: Day 1

2010-12-02T07:16:00.000-08:00

I've decided to join Derry on his journey of 60 Days of Beauty. I have slacked on blogging lately (which is odd since I've had 12+ weeks off of teaching), and I think God could use this as a way to keep me focused on what truly is beautiful... and not society's definition. The following are the "rules" he set up for it. I'm going to try to do my best :).

60 Days of Beauty Project

These thoughts have come together for me to come up with an unprecedented series on the blog. I am going to look for at least one time where I am able to say, "That is a thing of beauty" for 60 straight days starting December 1 (running through January 29). It may come in the form of a story, a picture, a video, a scripture, a quote, a principle, or whatever.

Some may be sappy.

Some may be humorous.

Some may be skin deep.

Some may be much deeper.

Some you may identify with the beauty.

Some may be far from beautiful to you

Day 1:

The beauty I found today was in my daughter Joey.

Sometimes as a parent I wonder just how badly I'm messing them up.

Yesterday, Savannah got hurt (typical 4 year old ouch!), and Joey didn't miss a beat to walk up to her, hug her, and tell her she was sorry. There was not prompting on my part. Just pure love and compassion for her sister.

I want to raise girls that are compassionate. Perhaps it is because I so often see myself being hard and cold to the emotions and feelings of others without even realizing it. Joey taught me something yesterday. Compassion needs to be extended no matter the circumstance. Compassion doesn't mean caring only when things are "really bad." Compassion is caring. Wiki defines it as "a virtue —one in which the emotional capacities of empathy and sympathy (for the suffering of others) are regarded as a part of love itself. . ..

So, Day #1. It took a 2 year old to show me love in its purest form.

My Own Little Tradition

2010-11-24T07:11:00.000-08:00

Every Thanksgiving I get a bit giddy. Not about the turkey. Not about the pies. Not about the football.

Instead, I get pumped to park my rear and enjoy this:

I don't know what it is. I don't know why I care to watch people lip sync (poorly) to a Christmas song.

I don't know why seeing Snoopy the size of a building makes me yell "Hey girls, come look! It's Snoopy!"

But I mean, who doesn't love a "Hey there" wave from Mr. Potato Head?

And Garfield? Seriously, a thumbs up? It puts me in the best of moods to know this lazy cat could at least get up and walk away from the lasagna long enough to entertain me at a distance.

And I don't even have to mention this guy, do I? I mean, he makes it all official. If Santa arrives in Harold Square, I finally get to decorate for Christmas.

So, my Thanksgiving wish every year is for a surprise trip to New York, New York to see this in person.

Anyone with me?

More than Charlton Heston: Lessons from Moses

2010-11-22T12:07:00.000-08:00

So, for the past 10 weeks our small group has been reading Moses: A Man of Selfless Dedication by Charles Swindoll. And something amazing was revealed to me... Moses was more than Charlton Heston. He was more than a baby in the bulrushes. He was more than a white-haired man that wore sandals and carried around a staff. He was more than a man with a temper problem that broke the first set of Ten Commandments.

Lessons I Learned from Moses:

*Please understand, some of these quotes are taken from the book... and I didn't always have the foresight to jot down the page numbers... all credit goes to Swindoll :)

#1 - "If God is in it, it will come together in spite of you."

This lesson couldn't have come at a better time in my life. God has been pulling on my heart, and I am finally to a point where I can hear that still small voice and not require the LOUD, BOISTEROUS storm to get my attention. Through lessons taught by Pastor Dave and my own daily time with God, I had been feeling a call to be obedient in different areas of my life. One, for quite a few years, has been in the area of teens. I work with 120 fourteen and fifteen year olds daily... but for some reason, that contact wasn't enough. I began to pray about where God could use me best as this year began (and I had a student teacher taking off the huge burden of the classroom).

This lesson about God being in "it," whatever "it" is an Him being glorified was exhilarating. It is about replacing the I with Him and realizing that my life needs to be about God appointed, not self-assumed. Basically, getting out of God's way so that He can have His way. And for years I had given lip-service to His way being the best and my desire... but not enough action on my part to show Him that I was serious about this in my life.

#2 - "We don't carry out God's plan. Rather, we are the instruments of action."

So, with the prayer of wanting to be used in a greater capacity for His kingdom, this restless in my heart to be used more, coupled with Pastor Dave's series on Joshua 1 and expanding our territory, I was approached by a student at Bremen to be a small group leader on Sunday nights for a group of Junior girls @ NMC. At first, I instantly thought that I wasn't qualified, that I had plenty of things to keep my busy, and that my family would need me. In reality, it was about my selfish nature. I was giving up my comfort zone, I was being stretched beyond what I "liked," and I was scared of my failures in the past being brought to the present and being found out a fraud. Oddly enough, these seem to be all the excuses that Moses "tried" to use with God. And God's response was never to allow those excuses to be the end of the conversation. Swindoll talked about how God doesn't "mass produce saints" (85). There is no instant maturity. It is 40 years in a desert (hopefully not literally, but for Moses, it was), where God can strip us of Pride, Fear, Resentment, Bitterness, and the habits of living that block true silence with God... so we can really hear Him. I was reminded through Moses, that I qualify for His service BECAUSE I AM FLAWED! It is difficult to imagine, but God wants the flawed, the failures, the have-nots. But also... what a relief! Because there is no one more qualified than me :) Swindoll likened it to a knot. We keep pulling, tugging, trying to undo the knot. When all along, God is asking us to bring him the knot and let him and sort and untangle the mess we have made by trying to BE His will, instead of being USED by Him.

#3 - Bottom Line: OBEDIENCE

There were four lines of thought with this.... and I struggled with #4. Well, I guess the more I look at them... I struggled with #3. Well... OK, I'll be more honest. I struggled with #2.

#1 - Hearing what God says

#2 - Respecting His call

#3 - Responding in Obedience

#4 - LEAVING THE RESULTS WITH HIM

I heard God's call. I often hear the Spirit guiding me and "hinting" toward what God is calling me to do in obedience. It is really no different than the strong conscience that my parents developed in me for right/wrong. However, it was respecting His call. Respecting it enough to think He really knew what was best for me. And then, being Obedient. It is so easy to pray about things, study about things, read scripture about things, but to OBEY? That is a whole other monster. That is giving up control. That is #4..... Leaving the results with him. And, again, I give great lip-service to trusting God's control in my life... but when the rubber meets the road, I'm very quick at picking my life back up. AND WHY? It is God, after all. If He really is who He says He is and I think He is, why am I so resistant to trusting Him with the results? Argh! This one frustrates me more than anything.... again, getting out of God's way. I'm often too stubborn to obey. Pastor Dave once said, "Your feelings are irrelevant to the scriptures." Guess that gets rid of 99% of my excuses.

#3 - "God's timing is not my timing. But God's timing is ALWAYS right on time!"

Exodus 14:14: "God will fight the battle for you. And you? You keep your mouths shut." (The Message)

This made things pretty clear to me. God's in control. As the Israelites saw Pharaoh and his men chasing them and they were trapped on all sides and were staring at the Red Sea, Moses simply told them what I often need to hear. Shut up. Sit down. And let God be God. Period.

#4 - Moses was buried by God in an unmarked grave. I need to bury my pride and realize my life is not marked by anything I do. Rather, it is marked by releasing control and allowing God to use me for His glory. It is about faith. It is the faith in Hebrews 11.

The last chapters of Moses really gave me a kick in the pants. The idea of Moses, after man, many, many years in the desert and leading a group of whiners to the Promised Land, being disobedient and God not allowing him into the Promised Land just blows me over. I can't imagine working so hard for something, following God's will on something, and yet never seeing the end result. My pride instantly jumps up and says, "But hey... that's not fair." But when God requires obedience and we disobey, there are consequences. Faith is trusting that those consequences, are truly what is best for us.

Faith is living like God will take care of it. And that God is the BEST ONE to take care of it. Not me. It's about taking my pride and allowing to be forgotten on earth so that I can be honored in heaven. It's about integrity. It's about seeing life with perspective. It is about doing the unusual (the blood on the door posts during the Passover) so that God sees that I am serious about following Him and His will for my life.

"We live by faith or we do not live at all. Either we venture or we vegetate.

We risk or we rust" (362).

There is this strong desire in me to not just give my faith in God lip-service. Everyday I hear that. I want to live it. The ol' cliche "actions speak louder than words" rings true in my ear. I want to live by faith, I want to venture, and I want to risk. This is not easy to say. I know, from past experiences, that putting this out there just calls on Satan to try me. But when it comes, I know Whose shoulders I will be standing on.

A few final thoughts (if anyone is actually still reading this):

*Faith must overshadow feelings.

*Faith must be my security. - "I've learned to hold precious things loosely, because it hurts when God pries my fingers and takes them from me." -Corrie ten Boom

Hands open, palms up, holding on to nothing but the promise that God cares for me, loves me, and will always do what is in MY BEST INTEREST. He has a wider perspective than me, after all.

*Faith must silence the critics. - "Faith is not belief without proof, but trust without reservation." - Elton Trueblood

So, I say all of that to say this: Moses taught me a few things. Greater yet, the Holy Spirit is alive and working in my life.

Where I'm From

2010-09-14T08:49:00.000-07:00

Where I'm From

I am from porch swings.

I am from salads made from tulip leaves and rocks.

I am from Santa Claus cookies made with red-hot candy noses.

I am from memories of grandpa, calling grandma Marcelene Paulene "McFarm" May - where I giggle at an old man still knowing how to be silly.

I am from Goldie and Clara, whose person

is as strange to me as their name.

I am from wishing they had known not only my adult life but the love of my children.

I am from swing sets, Big Wheels, Care Bears, Cabbage Patch Kids.

I am from basements and closets full of memories,

from Rubbermaid totes of adolescent dreams and goals thankfully unanswered "yes" by God.

I am from cool breezes of morning doves singing,

I am from katydids in my ears and scary bats in my room.

I am from Sundays spent at church because it was expected.

I am from a "faith" that has become a relationship that sustains

when my territory feels small and I feel insignificant.

I am from a home of "I love yous" and "you're beautifuls."

I am from a home of "proud of yous" and "good night, sleep tights."

I am from the home that as a child I loved.

And, today, I am making that very home my own again.

This was written at my Senior High leaders retreat this weekend. It meant so much to me, I had to share it.

*ps. sorry it has been so long since I've written. I will be back :)

Feelin' a little Sentimental

2010-07-21T20:58:00.000-07:00

The story of how Savannah came into the world probably is more dramatic to me... because she was my first. But to save you the long story, it was a long, hard labor and delivery. After an emergency C-section, she came into this world and changed our lives.

She has been (for the most part) a complete angel. Very few tantrums. Very compliant child. Very tender spirit. Very kind and compassionate.

She's always been a beautiful baby. What has always stood out to me and even complete strangers are her beautiful big, dark eyes. They just seem to go straight to the soul.

The thing I'm struggling with... is she isn't a baby anymore. She is officially enrolled in ballet classes. This sometimes just seems to be moving too fast for me.

However, this girl loves to dance. She has "shook it" since she could stand. So as I look at these pictures tonight, a song comes to mind that fits my baby perfectly. (Forgive me, I'm in a sentimental mood.)

She spins and she sways

To whatever song plays

Without a care in the world

And I'm sitting here wearing

The weight of the world on my shoulders

It's been a long day

And there's still work to do

She's pulling at me

Saying "Dad, I need you...

There's a ball at the castle

And I've been invited

And I need to practice my dancing

Oh, please, Daddy, please?"

So I will dance with Cinderella

While she is here in my arms

'Cause I know something the prince never knew

Oh, I will dance with Cinderella

I don't want to miss even one song

'Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight

And she'll be gone...

Steven Curtis Chapman, "Cinderella"

The "shrinking pills" aren't working. She doesn't want to cuddle as much. She wants to twirl...

and spin...

and just overall grow up on me.

Her sister is watching a bit too closely... wanting to do many of the same things. I don't mind if jo-jo dances...

but she's got another thing coming to her if she thinks she is growing up on me, too!

So I ask you, "When was the moment you realized your little ones were growing up too fast? And how did you stop it?"

Summer List: Double Wammie

2010-07-14T09:13:00.000-07:00

On Sunday, we took the family to Culver. My mom grew up there, and she and my dad enjoy going down and sitting in the shade on the lake reading. Sounds like a great way to spend the day to me.

Sunday they invited us all down for a picnic. Of course we are coming! That hits one of my summer lists items of a picnic. Also, they have a "beach." Hit number 2!

The cousins were in full relax mode. You can see the older two were a bit anxious to get in the water.

Again, we need to talk about the passy thing. So far, the best we've done is if I ask for it, she usually will give it to me. However, at nap time yesterday, we couldn't find one. You would have thought I destroyed her entire world! Luckily, I found one. World put back together. I keep saying, "Throw the passy in the trashy!" She just giggles. Booger.

Personally, I think this one could be a model. But, I'm a mother. Every mother thinks that.

Papa Ray grilling some yummy lunch!

I love little kiddos and their "conversations." I believe this was right before Joey stole Drew's "ca-pee sun."

This was taken more as proof that "once upon a time" I got Savannah to eat a carrot. She looks thrilled.

(Seriously, Mindi? Do you not know how to get a part straight and piggys even?)

The little one was a wee bit exhausted :)

And Savannah was proud of your loot! The teeny-tiniest shells I have ever seen :)

Summer list, I'd say, is coming along nicely.

Summer List... Ft. Wayne Zoo

2010-07-14T05:58:00.000-07:00

Last Saturday we went to the Ft. Wayne Zoo. It was on my summer list, and it turned out even better because we went with friends.

You will notice Joey significantly absent from these pictures. Joey was completely happy being strolled around and didn't feel the need to join the pictures.

Adam joined Savannah in the African tents. This picture will definitely be one to look back on.

Savannah and her "hunter girls," as they named themselves.

Lovebirds

Beautiful, beautiful creatures.

And, Joey... happy.

The range of motion in this girls face in a matter of seconds is amazing.

Finally, they all got together for a pic. (Too bad I caught Zoe still eating her sandwich.)

This was Joey for at least an hour of the zoo. I'm telling ya, she's pretty easy at times.

The jellies were one of my favorites.

Joey woke up... refused to get rid of the granola bar... so we took a pic anyway :)

Definitely understand now where the term "proud as a peacock" comes from after watching this guy.

Savannah fell asleep quickly...

Joey's nap at the zoo held her over and she watched movies uninterrupted all the way home.

Swimmin'

2010-06-30T06:11:00.000-07:00

I have the best neighbors. Since I could remember, they've always said that their pool is my pool. So again, similar to my last post, it is a lot of de ja vu. But, summer isn't just about swimming.

It's about friends and laughing...

and kissing fish...

and trusting others to hold you up...

and looking too darn cute...

and drinking pool water despite mom's constant warnings...

and being naked...

because you can...

because you are too darn cute.

Oh, summer. We love you so much. Stay awhile. "Mommy days" are more precious than a saggy bathing suit on a tiny rock-a-boo-kiss!

Home Sweet Home

2010-06-28T11:58:00.000-07:00

Three years ago, my parents decided to sell their house. At first, it broke my heart. And then I got excited about the possibilities for them. Adam and I were living with our 6 month old Savannah in a teeny-tiny little house on CR 13. Life was simple. Life was good.

And then, we got this hair-brained idea. What if WE bought my parents' house.

I knew the neighbors. I knew all the little peccadilloes of a 100 year old house. I loved the area. I loved the memories that I created there as a child.

My grandmother still lives in the home she grew up in. I always thought who in the world?! would do something so boring?! Well, here I am. This kinda crazy must run in the family.

What I love most about this house (besides the 32 years of memories that fill the rooms) is the front porch. I remember sitting on the exact porch swing making up songs and dancing as people went by. I remember playing "I spy" with my parents, always sure I was a genius because I always won. (OK, Dad... you can man up now. I know you let me win!) All of this before the wonderful addition of the wrap-around porch.

I remember sitting with my high school bff talking late, late into the night about things and decisions that shaped who we are today.

This swing was a gift my father got for my mom on their anniversary twenty years ago. I keep telling them I'm going to buy one of my own and get it back to them. But, there is something special about it still hanging on my porch, being used by their granddaughters everyday. Just another memory I'm creating in this old house.

If you are ever needing to find me, check the porch first. However, if you stop by, you might have to take part in some of the yummiest Peach Cobbler ever made.

The broken pieces of chalk and remnants of bush add an extra special spice. It's awfully delicious. Come on over. Anytime.

Summer list... mini golf.

2010-06-27T13:18:00.000-07:00

Friday we took the girls mini-golfing. It was a definite lesson in patience... one that I can say we all passed with flying colors! If you plan on going golfing with a 2 and 4 year old, don't count on making the score count for any kind of prize. The girls took great pride in "helping" our ball get to the hole... and except on a few rare occasions (when my competitive nature crept in, the little that I have), we let them.

Adam was a great dad and took his time showing them once how to swing a club.

Savannah did pretty well with his help :)

However, Joey just took to putting her own way. After the first few holes, we took back her club.

She preferred to either sit and rest and look way too cute... or just pick up the ball and wing-it at the end of the hole. Either way, she had a great time. (And no, I didn't put her up to this way-too-cute-folded-hand-contemplative pose.)

Savannah picked out her own clothes that day. Just loving the poky-dot shorts, Princess Tiana shirt, brown hat turned up, pink heart socks, and "runnin" shoes. Hey, whatever makes her happy.

It was warm. But we didn't care.

We, of course, ignored all rules.

Overall, a wonderful, inexpensive way to spend time together.

p.s. I won. Winner's choice was Dairy Queen :)

Summer list... blog more.

2010-06-25T13:55:00.000-07:00

Keeping with my summer list... I had hoped to blog more. So, here I go. Two posts in one day!

Savannah helped me make my favorite salsa today. We donned our new matching aprons I picked up from a little shop in Frankenmuth, MI on my weekend outing with my wonderful, motorcycle hubby (and me, his biker chick!)

(The toe point was all her doing. She kept asking if I got her toe in the picture.)

We even used our very own, home-grown chives. Pretty cool.

Corn, Black Bean, and Feta Salsa

1 can shoepeg corn, drained

1 can black beans, rinsed and drained

1 container of feta

1/3 cup olive oil

1/3 cup cider vinegar

1/3 cup sugar

add chives, to taste (I use very little... not a very chive-y girl)

Mix everything together and chill. It's best if it can chill for 24 hours.

Serve with tortillas.... and try not to eat it all in one sitting :)

Summer list continues... popsicles :)

2010-06-25T11:43:00.000-07:00

Summer list contained homemade Popsicles. Well... these aren't homemade. For $.99/box, I can ignore being Becky-Homecky.

I love our new screen door for our front porch. The quiet discussions between the girls are priceless.

(I promise, they don't hang out alone on the porch. I just couldn't resist the picture.)

Sisters... it looks like one of the greatest things in the world.

Everyone was so happy.....

until....

I took a lick and the top of the Popsicle came off....

sorry Jo-Jo.

Summer List... one complete.

2010-06-21T07:31:00.000-07:00

Summer List: Overnight Motorcycle trip. Check.

We went with two other couples over 270 miles up to Frankenmuth, MI. This picture was taken on the way home at a roadside BBQ place. Absolutely authentic and delicious! I look a bit dazed and road covered in this picture, but overall it was a wonderful time! Definitely something I will do again with the hubby! It was his choice of how to spend Father's Day. Who knew this lady was a biker chick :) Total of 540+ miles of riding in two days. And everything I needed was packed in the tiny bag on the back of the bike! I'm learning to live simply :)

On to the next item...

My baby Joey... isn't a baby anymore.

2010-06-18T11:14:00.000-07:00

If I could save time in a bottle

The first thing that I'd like to do

Is to save every day

Till Eternity passes away

Just to spend them with you

If I could make days last forever

If words could make wishes come true

I'd save every day like a treasure and then,

Again, I would spend them with you

If I had a box just for wishes

And dreams that had never come true

The box would be empty

Except for the memory

Of how they were answered by you

But there never seems to be enough time

To do the things you want to do

Once you find them

I've looked around enough to know

That you're the one I want to go

Through time with

I love you, Joey Taylor.

*****

Oh, and thanks Jim Croce for such a great song.

Lyrics from "Time in a Bottle"

Summer List

2010-06-07T18:09:00.000-07:00

My summer list.

Thanks to Meg @ Whatever... for the idea.

Now, hold me accountable :)

Happy Birthday, Joey!

2010-05-21T07:47:00.000-07:00

Happy 2nd Birthday, Joey!

Lovin you...

and all...

the smiles...

and sass you bring.

my sweet savannah

2010-05-15T22:26:00.000-07:00

My first born will turn four next month. I'm not quite sure how I feel about it. I keep telling her I'm going to give her shrinking pills so she stops growing. Every morning when she takes her Flinstone vitamins she asks if they will make her shrink. Perhaps I should stop saying this :)

Let me share a few things with you about my little Savannah Rivers.

She loves to garden.

However, she doesn't necessarily like to have a picture taken, whilst gardening.

Her heart is sweet.

Her spirit is kind.

And I have to ~~tell~~ show you how I know this.

Do you see the Pound Puppy? It was Adam's when he was a child. And for a few weeks now, every night when Adam and I head to bed, there is always this little surprise on his pillow. At some point throughout each and every day, Savannah places his puppy on his pillow so that he has something to keep him warm and snuggly through the night. And in the morning, when she finds in on top of the alarm clock, she asks why I moved it :) She and her daddy are starting to really build a wonderful relationship. It's so encouraging to see her heart open up to him, love him, and want to make sure he is happy, too.

p.s. I know; the bed isn't made. The picture isn't fancy. But everytime I see that puppy on his pillow, it brings tears to my eyes.

Everyone needs a little rain sometimes...

2010-04-25T13:09:00.000-07:00

From the time that we were little,

I knew you’d always be

Not just a loving sister

But a caring friend to me.

A shoulder I could cry on,

A helping hand in times of need,

A cheerleader to lift me up,

My angel in both word and deed.

We told each other secrets;

We giggled and we cried.

We shared our joys and sorrows--

We were always side by side.

We have a very special bond;

I knew it from the start.

You’ll have my love forever--

We’re sisters, heart to heart.

"sisters heart to heart" by joanna fuchs

*praying that God continues to bless these girls and use them, even at a young age, for His glory.

....and how can I not share the most "pitiful" looking sad face in the world? She's getting pretty good.

The weekend I fell in love all over again with my husband... and my life.

2010-03-15T14:37:00.000-07:00

This weekend we were able to get away (Thanks, Uncle Sam!) with the girls for uninterrupted family time. Savannah had seen a commercial for Nick Jr's Storytime Live! and asked if we could go. I began to wonder when my life changed. When did I begin to focus almost completely on my children's enjoyment and not on my own? When did the Disney soundtrack to Princess movies begin to play in my car repetitiously? When did I start singing "Jesus Loves Me" and "The B-I-B-L-E" more than I did the latest Dave Matthews song?

(Getting ready for pool time at the hotel)

I can't put my finger on it. But I suppose that doesn't really matter.

(Joey carried a little bit of attitude with her all weekend.)

What matters is that I love this life.

(Savannah always, always posin')

This life that is 100% given and blessed by Jesus.

The girls exprience their first King size bed. Breakfast in bed. Running around empty hallways playing their own version of "freeze tag." Riding in elevators. Swimming by 7 a.m. And mom and dad's undivided attention. No computers. No grading. No cell phones (Mine went dead pretty soon into the weekend, and I didn't see the need to charge it.)

(Joey... slowly drifting off)

And then there was the show.

(Remember? Always posin')

At one point, I think I was even yelling "Swiper! No Swiping!" louder than my own children.

I couldn't quite splurge on the up close seats... but no one seemed to mind.

We saw Kai-Lan and friends.

(Shhhh! I wasn't suppose to take pictures. At least they were "flash-less.")

We saw the Wonder Pets.

We saw Dora and Boots.

And we saw the Backyardigans. Or "Backies," as Joey has affectionately renamed them.

However, the greatest blessing beyond these children that Jesus has given me is this man.

(Making play-doh Ice Cream)

I feel like I can be transparent with you all. About a year ago, I was wondering if what I was living in my marriage was what it was all about. All that it was going to achieve. We had two beautiful girls. We both had jobs. We have a warm home. We have reliable transporation. But something was missing. We attended church. We would briefly talk about how Jesus was working in our lives. But it never really had substance to it. It never had a true meaning.

And then something happened.

We stretched ourselves and joined an 9-week class called Dynamic Marriage. Not because we felt our marriage was in desparate need of resusitation. Honestly, we were just feeling the need to connect with others and find some good Christian friends. However, in this class we had to ask one another some difficult questions and share some difficult truths. What came out of the class was two completely different people, learning what it was to Become One. The greatest challenge and most beneficial exercise was that we had to pray together, aloud, as a couple, every night. (Collective gasps!) This was something completely new to us. Sure, we prayed at dinner together. But never the deep, intimate conversations that involved our true hearts intent. This, this, is what transformed our marriage. These were the moments that Jesus worked in our lives to create the real bond. It opened doors of communication I never thought possible.

so, I love this man. And this weekend, I was reminded why. He showed so much patience with us three girls. THREE. The poor man has a housefull of estrogen and not once has he complained about not having a boy. We've discussed Slone #3, but never in the hopes of it being "the boy." His heart is full of so much love for his children. He is more than a "hands-on" dad. He seems to never tire of Hide-N-Seek, Princess Memory, and yes, Play-Doh Ice Cream Parlor (which drives me up the wall with all the small pieces of play-doh to clean up and the mixing of colors! Somehow he stays incredibly calm.) If he could, he would give these girls the world and anything in it.

However, the greatest thing he is giving them is love. And an unconditional love, at that. They see a daddy that loves being with them, loves cuddling them, loves giving them their 100 kiss-per-day quota. I know they sense his kindness. I know they sense his great spirit. I know they inherited his great smile!

But perhaps the most important thing of all that they are seeing from their dad is how a man should treat them when they are old enough to choose their own husbands. And perhaps they are getting a glimpse of how their Heavenly Father loves them so completely.

I don't know if you've ever cried of happiness. Last night, I cried like a baby in bed. I had never been so in love with my husband. In love with the way he loves his family. In love with the way he is seeking his God. In love with the way he takes care of me... so that I can take care of others.

Of course, not without flaws, but his flaws make him perfectly mine.

I can't believe I'm admitting this...

2010-02-23T07:16:00.000-08:00

I can't believe I'm admitting this, but I'm getting excited about my upcoming concert event.

Not because Dave Matthews is going to serenade me with "Crush," (causing me to swoon) or blow my mind with "All Along the Watchtower."

Not because Jimmy Buffett is going to take me away from this cold, wintery weather and make me feel warm and refreshed.

But because I'm going to get to spend some MAJOR quality time with these people...

my little jo-jo bean...

(I know the "pacy" needs to go... but she is still so cute!)

my favorite princess...

(I can smell spring just looking at her.)

and my special Chief...

watching what has promised to be a great show.

I'm more looking foward to the jumping on the King size hotel bed and swimming in a heated pool. But I imagine I'll still get excited to see my favorite Backyardigan sing about Everything being filthy in Filthingham!

Jo-Jo's Pretzels

2010-02-20T15:57:00.000-08:00

Jo-Jo's Pretzels.... literally.

Over Christmas Break we took a trip up to Shipshewana to ride the carousel, window shop, and snack on some pretzels. I just had to show Joey's first experience with the wonderful jo-jo's pretzels.

Getting reading for bite #1

You can tell by the cheese on the face, this was to be a great first experience.

Although she looks hesitant,

She soon learned to not be shy...

and not leave anything behind...

(I love the gooey fingers :) )

And.... it was a success. Jo-Jo hearts Jo-Jo's Pretzels!

Sugar and Spice

2010-02-15T07:13:00.000-08:00

Every day, I love my girls more. I never thought I could understand how parents can love children so differently, and yet so completely. Everyday, I am learning what a reflection our children are of us. When they emulate kindness, it's often because they have seen it modeled. When they emulate impatience, it is often because they have seen it modeled... the good, the bad, and the ugly.

I pray daily that my girls see more grace-giving than grudge holding....

In honor of my beautiful baby girls (and their kind and humerous spirits)... here are a few photos.

Joey took FOREVER to get teeth.

Now that she has them...

they couldn't be more crooked :)

She is not only Princess Jasmine...

but a stellar Super Hero (still channeling the Princesses, however).

But she can still pull off a rockin' Amish dress.

They both have a pizazz for a great mug shot...

But above all, I see them becoming the best of friends.

Who sorta look alike :)

Sugar and Spice,

And all that's nice:

That's what girls are made of.

2010-02-03T11:58:00.000-08:00

Trying out Picasa... pretty cool.

another ouch!

2010-02-02T08:49:00.000-08:00

"So, chosen by God for this new life of love, dress in the wardrobe God picked out for you: compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength, discipline. Be even-tempered, content with second place, quick to forgive an offense. Forgive as quickly and completely as the Master forgave you. And regardless of what else you put on, wear love. It's your basic, all-purpose garment. Never be without it."

Colossians 3:13 (The Message)

Wow.... Lord help me.... not sure where to even begin with all of this!

Meditation for Today

2010-01-20T07:39:00.000-08:00

"Lord, I'm amazed by you... how You love me."

Thank you, Lord. Sometimes I'm just so UNlovable.

Award?

2010-01-16T07:31:00.000-08:00

Award? I'm new to this blogging world, but a beautiful woman in South Carolina, Angela, gave me a beautiful blogger award. Angela is a beautiful woman, inside and out. She's shown incredible trust and strength in God and is a regular encouragement to me. Thank you Angela :)

Along with this award, I'm supposed to reveal seven random things about me.

1. I still sometimes think about having another child. God has blessed me with such WONDERFUL girls that I can't imagine how much joy a third would actually bring.

2. I often catch myself singing along to Disney Princess songs with full expression (pretending I'm 'Mulan', etc) .... even after I've dropped the girls off and I'm in the car alone.

3. I don't mind sorting, washing, and folding the laundry. But I DESPISE putting the clothes away. (Hence the four baskets of folded, clean laundry around the house.)

4. When I first found out I was pregnant with a girl, I was mad. I thought the boys clothes were cooler; therefore, a boy would be better. I have since learned differently. I can't imagine my life not being filled with the sweetness of little girls... and all their tutus, princess dresses, and barbies.

5. I sometimes really struggle with envy of fellow bloggers. Others always seem to have a creativity in their home and family that I would love to tap into. Perhaps someday I'll be brave enough to really be me... the me I want to be.

6. I'm still trying to figure out what I want to do when I grow up.

7. I've paid for people's orders in a drive-thru behind me just to see their reaction in my rearview mirror when they go to pay. I wish I could do it more. I'm learning life is about giving, not taking.

Thanks, Angela! It was fun :) Now i get to give this award to seven other bloggers:

From our home to yours...
The Sophisticated Country Girl
The Slaters
Adventure's of the Millers
beachy keen girl
Addi
foolish faith

I should know better!

2010-01-15T07:03:00.000-08:00

I truly should know better!
I should know better than to test God.
I should know better than to ask him to change me from the inside out.
I should know better than to think that He won't come through.
I should know better than to think it won't be painful.

Isaiah 55: 6-11

Seek God while he's here to be found,

pray to him while he's close at hand.

Let the wicked abandon their way of life

and the evil their way of thinking.

Let them come back to God, who is merciful,

come back to our God, who is lavish with forgiveness.

I don't think the way you think.
The way you work isn't the way I work.

God's Decree.

For as the sky soars high above earth,

so the way I work surpasses the way you work,

and the way I think is beyond the way you think.

Just as rain and snow descend from the skies

and don't go back until they've watered the earth,

Doing their work of making things grow and blossom,

producing seed for farmers and food for the hungry,

So will the words that come out of my mouth

not come back empty-handed.

They'll do the work I sent them to do,

they'll complete the assignment I gave them.

Now, prepare to be reminded just how much God loves you... and wants only for you to reflect Him... daily.
I encourage you to watch this: God's Chisel

Inside Out

2010-01-05T08:25:00.000-08:00

"So here's what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you."

Romans 12: 1-2 (The Message)

The new year has begun... and my mind is aflutter with all the things I want to say. The good news is that I don't feel there are many out there expecting much... I'm not a MckMama afterall :) But I promise, there will be time to share soon. For now, this verse is what I am clinging to. I have a desire to change. It started last June and hasn't really ended. I've had a few pit stops along the way, but the desire is still there. And I can't wait to see what God has instore. I want to be changed from inside out.

L-O-V-E

2009-12-18T06:58:00.000-08:00

Yesterday on the car ride home from the sitters, I overhead the sweetest conversation between Joey and Savannah.

Savannah: "Joey, did you know that I love you?"

Joey: emphatically shakes her head "yes."

I love my babies.

Can I Say This?

2009-11-04T11:45:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking. And since I have very few "followers," I feel like I can say this without being judged too harshly.

I sometimes judge "books" by their "cover." And what I also mean is... I sometimes judge people by their appearance. *Collective gasps!*

However, I do. Hence the reason why I read this book.

I picked it up because the title and cover were so intriguing. The novel itself? Not that great. But I digress...

Now, you know that in order for me to say this, there has to be something that follows. I'm not just going to admit this and lead you to believe that I am right in this judgement. Luckily, I keep most of this crud in my head. From there, Jesus has really been able to convict my heart about the quick judgements I pass on others.

This is embarassing to admit. It is almost shameful. However, I know I can't be the only one. So, I want to retrain my thinking. I want to retrain my heart. I want to have the heart of a child that sees only good. I want to look at a person, and I want to see what God sees.

1 Samuel 16:7 (NIV)- But the LORD said to Samuel, "Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart."

So many times I have had thoughts that were not kind toward others. So many times I look on others and do not see God's image. I know this all has to do with my own self-esteem issues. I've always thought it ironic how little others actually think about me. Not because I'm not important, but because often they are just like me - worried about themselves so much more.

Do I do this because others truly aren't a picture of God? Of course not. It is because I do not see what God sees. People have stories. People have lives. I am not the "star" of this movie called life. God is. And it is in Christ that I can see His reflection in the lives of people around me. It is without Christ that I see only my own insecurities reflected in others that I judge.

I am so thankful that I love a God that loves me for my heart, even when my heart isn't always beautiful.

2009-10-30T14:02:00.000-07:00

Found this photo today... and i teared up (look how little jo-jo is!) I love my family.

I hope the girls always know just how much we love them.

At the name of Jesus...

2009-10-22T19:00:00.000-07:00

A few months ago I met for coffee with a friend from high school. It was amazing. It felt like we were almost closer friends now (some 12 years later) than we were then. Anyway... one thing that continued to stick out to me was her mention of Jesus. When she spoke of how God worked in her life, she rarely spoke using the term "God." It almost made me feel uncomfortable to hear her say "I love Jesus." To say this upset me, is mild. It didn't upset me per se that she said she loved Jesus... it upset me that I found these words so foreign. It got me thinking....

Why don't I tell people about my love for Jesus? Why is it so easy to mention "God" in a conversation and talk about how God is working in my life? But, to say "Jesus" in front of people makes me feel uncomfortable? Is it because the term "God" is poltically acceptable? Is it because people don't judge as quickly if someone talks about their God? There are gods in all religions.... but what I have... and what I love is Jesus Christ. This is the difference. I don't want to get into a theological discussion about the trinity... and how they are three-in-one. What I want to focus on is how I can learn to love Jesus with my whole heart, that I learn to see not only the Father at work in my life, but I can also see my relationship with His Son changing me from the inside out. And I can talk about Jesus' love in my life.

All of this leads to Chapter 5 of Crazy Love. The title again was already enough to make me stop reading and prepare myself for this week's rock-a-boo-kiss kick!

...serving leftovers to a holy God...

Francis Chan begins the chapter by discussing what the term lukewarm means. The truth behind Revelation 3:15-18. Think taking a drink of cold (not intentionally cold like McDonalds :) ) coffee. Think taking a drink of spoiled milk. What would your reaction be? Gagging? Hurling? YES! I would. And to think, this is going to be God's reaction to those that seek God in a lukewarm manner. I've begun to think about it this way: If I pick up a sippy cup full of milk that has lived under the couch for 4 days, I know what to expect if I put it to my lips and drink. The mere thought of what that would taste/smell like makes me gag now. However, if I ask for a sippy cup of milk - watch you pour it from the fridge - I expect it to be good. Imagine the shock and disgust when I find that it has been expired for weeks... and it is rotten, spoiled milk. ...serving leftovers to a holy God...

Is this what God feels like with lukewarm christians (which, by the way, I agree with Francis Chan that this statement is an oxymoron). God thinks he is getting one thing because we call ourselves "christians" only to discover the disgust on the inside of the cup...nothing of the purity and holiness He expects of those of us that call Him our Savior.

I remember growing up and thinking, If I do this, will I go to hell? You know, the picture of fire and brimestone in which some people are brought to salvation? This got me thinking. Is my concern more about going to heaven than loving Jesus? (I can't take credit for this... Francis Chan posed a very similar question in Ch. 5.) Which leads me back to the previous paragraph. Is my seeking salvation merely an attempt to skip out of an eternity in hell? Or is it a response of love and desire to grow closer with Christ? By no means are these easy questions. It is even a little difficult for me to type. Why is it easier to save someone with the "fire and brimestone" talk rather than leading someone to Christ with the picture of a loving, committed relationship with my Creator? Is it becaus we can loosely fathom what "fire and brimstone" will be like? We've seen pictures of the Holocaust. We've seen starvation. We've seen misery. Many have never experienced true torture, but through movies and television we can get an idea of what pain is like. Pain for eternity.... never will I know what that is like. Can I not lead someone to Christ by telling them about a wonderful relationship with a being that loves unconditionally, desires constant communion, never tires of you, and always is wanting to teach you and encourage you to be your best? We've all been let down in a relationship. This kind of love, this crazy love, is hard to imagine or beleive. I guess for some it is easier to believe the "fire and brimestone." But, then I feel I'm leading a life of fear of my Father's punishment, instead of a life of joy wanting to please my Father... because of this crazy love He has for me.

There is a section in Chapter 5 that I cannot accurately summarize. Instead, I want to share a couple passages and then my thoughts on them... in otherwords, how the Holy Spirit is giving me a good holy smack! :)

For years I gave God leftovers and felt no shame. I simply took my eyes off Scripture and instead compared myself to others. The bones I threw at God had more meat on them than the bones others threw, so I figured I was doing fine... A mumbled three-minute prayer at the end of the day, when we are already half asleep. Two crumpled up dollar bills thrown as an after-thought into the church's fund for the poor. Fetch, God. (p. 91)

Fetch, God.

Really? Is this what I'm saying? Is this really how God feels? I love that I'm not motivated out of guilt... or obligation; rather, it truly breaks my heart to think that God feels this way about my time with Him. For a while now I've wanted to get up early, begin my day with some great time with Him, and really seek His face before the day begins. However, my selfishness continues to win and I hit the snooze button unmentionable times. Instead, half asleep at night I pray. Have you ever been talking to someone and they fall asleep? I have. It is horrible. And this is, often, what I do to someone that loves me more than I can ever imagine. Fetch, God. The bad news? I haven't made TAWG a habit. The good news? The "extravagant, senseless grace of it all" is that He is waiting everyday for me.

Leftovers are not merely inadequate; from God's point of view (and lest we forget, His is the only one who matters), they're evil. Let's stop calling it "a busy schedule" or "bills" or "forgetfulness." It's called evil.

God is holy. In heaven exists a Being who decides whether or not I take another breath. This holy God deserves excellence, the very best I have. "But something is better than nothing!" some protest. Really, is it? Does anyone enjoy token praise? I sure dont. I'd rather you not say anything than compliment me out of obligation or guilt. Why would we think God is any different? (p.92)

OUCH. Next....

Francis Chan ends the chapter with some amazing statements. Not necessarily amazing because I've never thought them. Amazing because I've never been brave enough to verbalize them. Afte recalling the majesty, diversity, magnitude, and awesomeness of God, Chan reminds us:

We say to the Creator of all this maginitude and majesty, "Well, I'm not sure You are worth it.... You see, I really like my car, or my little sin habit, or my money, and I'm really not sure I want to give them up, even if it means I get You." (p. 97)

It's time for me to stop worrying what other people might think of me and my "christianity" if I begin to live honestly, looking through the lens in which God sees sin and which God sees me. Yes, I am a sinner saved by grace. But that grace is not to be taken as a token merely into heaven. This grace is given as gift. It's not about me trying to repay Him. It's not about me trying to thank Him ENOUGH. These things I will never, never be able to do. It's about earnestly seeking Jesus, my soul thirsting for Jesus, and my lips and life glorifying Jesus.... because I love Him. It's time I stop trying to tack God onto my life... find where He fits in. Nothing should concern me more than my relationship with Him.... I just need to always remember, never forget, what I'm getting in return.

.... especially since it means I get You, Jesus.

Finally... despite.

2009-10-19T19:22:00.000-07:00

On Saturday we had some pictures taken. Here are a few of the proofs. I can't wait to see them all.... despite the fact the girls weren't real cooperative. Joey.... well, she preferred screaming over smiling. I think this is probably the only picture in which she is not SCREAMING.

These were before we completely lost Savannah :) Yes, those eyes get her a lot.

I think she would have preferred to be in a princess dress. But she still steals my heart.

This one I love my my whole heart. Adam and I had one of those photographer experiences with our engagement photos and wedding photos that we would rather forget or do over. With the girls in full meltdown, I took the opportunity to enjoy a few shots of just us. You can't even tell our girls where in all out pandimonium at this moment :) I love that pictures can't capture sound. This was our "engagement do-over." Just 5 years later :)

2009-10-18T15:18:00.000-07:00

I love fall. I love the idea of wearing tutu's with boots :) Yes. I dress vicariously through my daughter... there, I admitted it.

In Love or Half-Hearted, Lukewarm, and Partially Committed?

2009-10-15T14:38:00.000-07:00

So, I'm almost 31 years old, and I'm finally learning how to read.... Yep, you read that right. Oh, I know how to read the words on a page. I can comprehend a text and explain it back to you. I can even teach you how to do this. But, to really read is a completely different story. For once in my life I have finally understood what it is to read something and meditate on it. This is the book that has taught me that. Crazy Love by Francis Chan... This is a book that I find myself rereading a chapter (and relistening to it... I have it on audio, too for my long runs) numerous time throughout a weeks time. THE SAME CHAPTER OVER AND OVER. Why? Because what it says is changing how I look at so many things in my life. It is opening up God's Word to me in a new way that I haven't seen it before. It's making God's truth and Jesus's message so clear.

Before reading Chapter 4, I saw a video where Pastor Chan discussed what it means in other countries to truly be a believer and follower of Christ. He describes how for some, the moment they make the decision to follow Christ, they lose jobs, family, security, and friends. I can't imagine what this is like. I know it happens in the United States, but it has never happened to me. And for some reason, when I heard it last week it got me thinking. What is it that I truly have and why am I taking it for granted?

Matthew 13:44 is the parable about a man finding such a wonderful treasure he went and hid it in a field. He then went and sold EVERYTHING that he had so that he could then go buy that field in which the treasure was hidden. He went for it with everything in him. This man clearly "got it."

It began to make me wonder... have I ever really "gotten it"? I mean, I know that God loves me and that He sent his Son to die for my sins. But really? How has this changed my living? The title of Chapter 4 is Profiles of the Lukewarm. Francis Chan does not spare anything in this chapter. He tackles the misconceptions about current goals of "American Christianity." He dares to make the reader take an honest inventory as he lists profiles of lukewarm people. I have to say that through his list, I came out with a lot of convictions... numerous.

One of them was in discussing "radical" Christianity. Through the parables, Chan demonstrates that what we call "radical," Jesus expects of all followers. He talks about those that say "I love Jesus and He is a part of my life." But they don't allow Him to have complete control. They give him only a part, give Him a section of time, money, and thoughts.... but NEVER complete control. In reading the parable in Luke 9: 57-62, after a man says he wants to follow Christ but first wants to bury his father or say good-bye to his family, "Jesus said, 'No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the Kingdom of God." WOW! Could I do this today? Could I walk away from my family? Husband? Children? to serve Jesus. I want to say the correct answer and say, "of course." But if I'm truly honest with myself... I don't know that I'm there yet. I want to be. But if I'm truly taking an honest approach and wanting to see Jesus work in my life, I have to say... I haven't "got it." BUT I want to get it.

Another one that got me -- "Lukewarm people don't depend on God on a daily basis... Their lives wouldn't look much different if they suddenly stopped believing in God." Would my life look different if I stopped believing in God? Would someone notice? Sure, my church attendance might change, but would my life? I'm learning to depend on God on a daily basis. I find myself praying often, seeking God's hand and voice in many things, and praising Him often. But is this about me getting what I want in a selfish manner, or is about me truly seeking to have God's heart?

What would my life be like if I prayed daily to have God's heart?

"Lukewarm people equate partially sanitized lives with holiness, but they couldn't be more wrong." Do I try to make sure my cup is clean on the outside, but the inside is still full of greed, disgust, and self-indulgence?? Partially sanitized... is this America's definition of "holiness." Good marriage. Check. Children that don't swear. Check. Good church attendance. Check. Jesus doesn't call us to be partially sanitized... He calls us to be truly devoted and to love the Lord my God with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength. (Matthew 12:30)

So, the end of the chapter reminds me that it is the life that is characterized by these attitudes and mentalities that is dangerous. My life needs to be marked by a goal to radically transform these mentalities and attitudes. That is how I'm beginning to see things. I don't want Christ to look at me one day and say, "Well, you did some of what I asked... but not all. You followed Me, but you did it in a lukewarm manner."

Jesus, teach me to fall more in love with You.

I can't encourage you to pick up this book more... take your time reading it... pray as you read... seek Jesus in its pages. God loves us with a crazy love. A love I can't ever imagine, but definitely want to continue feeling. A love I want to return... and not in a "half-hearted, lukewarm, or partially committed" manner.

2009-09-27T18:52:00.001-07:00

For weeks, almost a month now, I've wanted to take some time to post something new. It's been forever since I've sat in solitude and thought about what is going on with life and how/what to share. Let's be honest, I'm not sure how many people read my blog... so it's more about therapy for me :)

I've put it off for so long because I wanted all the aesthetics to be right. I needed it to be quiet (except for my choice of music), I needed a moving moment to occur, and I needed to feel like I had something important to say. Well.... I'm sitting here, tired, listening to a football game. None of the requirements that I had set for myself. But today, as I was running (which I'll get to in a moment), I had this overwhelming feeling that at times in my life I have treated God like he was my blogspot. I haven't gone to Him because conditions weren't right. My TAWG (time alone with God) needed to fit into this box of what TAWG should look like. Candles burning, soothing music in the background, my bible laid open to a passage that has moved me to tears, my journal overflowing with epiphanies and moments of great clarity... and guess what. I just continued to put off that talk with God and that time with Him. So, as I was outside tonight, running in a beautiful fall evening being cooled by a wonderful breeze, it hit me. God doesn't need to "fit" into my day. This day isn't about me. It's about God's work in me, and how I choose to see Him. The candles I was wanting to light paled in comparison to the beautiful sunset that He showed me. The music I wanted playing in the background feel silent compared to the sound of nature and the sound of my lungs taking in air, functioning properly by His wonderful design. Instead of pushing myself to get a better time, I sat on a bench overlooking a small pond and prayed. THAT was my TAWG. I don't think I could have "manufactured" it better. God doesn't want our romance and only our best. God wants every moment of my day.

So, like I said, I was going to tell you about my running. I looked back over a few journal entries that I wrote at the end of May. And man... have I seen God at work. I committed my health to him at the end of the school year as summer began to approach. I knew that it would be a great time to really focus on my health and make it a priority. I began slowly, but am humbly proud (that makes sense, right?) to say that about 30 lbs later, I've successfully ran and completed two 5ks, and I look to run some more. God has used the time on the road as a way for me to really reflect on Him, on what He wants to do with my life, and how He is EVER SO PRESENT in my day. It is also wonderful to hear my little girl say she is proud of me and put on her running shoes and want to run, too. I want to be an example for my babies that exercise is not a chore... but truly a great way to be with God in His creation. All of this has been Jesus Christ working in me. I remember praying fervently in May that it would have to be Jesus Christ in me... making me see the importance of being healthy, and not my own will power. Will power??? If it was up to that, I would always fail. Always.

The good news in all of this is that God is working on me. A lot. Some would probably doubt seeing a change in my life, but I know that it is there. A friend of mine compared to it as looking through life with a filter... and that filter for me is looking at my life through Jesus Christ's view. What does He look at when He sees me? I know it isn't pretty. But is it progress? I think it is. I have a long way to go, but just knowing that I'm working... and He's beside me... makes it so exciting.

Legacy...

2009-08-16T20:20:00.000-07:00

It's past midnight on a school night. Grr.... having to say that makes me annoyed to begin with. But I've already resolved to have a better attitude this year about teaching and it has to start somewhere.

However, I can't sleep. My heart is restless. I just found out that a stepfather of an old friend from my childhood passed away this evening. And it shook me to the core. More than any other deaths have in a while... My heart is just totally broken. All I can do is pray about it.... I hate when that doesn't seem enough. However, I know it is calling on the One that can calm a raging storm outside, and He can do the same within me.

I was reminded of a song tonight that really fits the beginning of this school year... and also, the passing of a sweet man. It is a song by Nichole Nordeman called "Legacy." The chorus goes like this:

I want to leave a legacy

How will they remember me?

Did I choose to love?

Did I point to You enough To make a mark on things?

I want to leave an offering

A child of mercy and grace who blessed your name unapologetically

And leave that kind of legacy

It's so hard leaving my babies. Joey is only taking a few steps so I know I won't probably be the first to watch her walk across a room. But that's ok. I'm getting to share these incredible girls with another family.

These children God blessed us with aren't ours anyway. I heard someone say that children were on loan from God. Sometimes that makes it easier to leave them. Sometimes.... Which leads me to the song. Legacy... How will my children remember me?

School starts Tuesday. I'm getting about 120 students. Maybe I should look at these students as I look at my beautiful daughters. They are someone's child. They deserve my best. What kind of legacy am I leaving with my students? I will be the first to admit that there are days I leave my best self at home with my family.

Duplicity (or even Multiplicity) has been in front of me lately. Romans 7. Paul writing about knowing what he should do but doesn't do it. The battle of old self vs. new self. I know, daily, I need to surrender that old self that is out for "numero uno." I need to check my motivation. I need to check my intentions. I need to impress no one but my Savior. But man... THAT is hard!

So, this post is all over the place.... but I guess it reflects my heart and mind (and why I can't sleep!) I'm praying for a lot of things tonight.... but most of all, the peace that passes ALL understanding.

Honestly....

2009-07-27T09:43:00.000-07:00

We are a part of a new Sunday School at church called Dynamic Life... it has branched from a few couples that took part in a 9 week intense program called Dynamic Marriage and have had a desire to continue that authentic, raw, and honest accountablity that is lacking in a lot of relationships and churches. We want to look at one another and when asked, "How are things going?" we get an answer that is truthful, no matter how pretty or ugly. This is something I've looked for for awhile and feel so refreshed to find. And better yet, I have a husband that is on board 100% as we both define what God has for us individually, as a couple, as parents, as employees, as friends, etc.

I have a lot of things on my heart that I've been meaning to get down... so this may seem a bit random, but believe me, they all stem from the same place of wanting God to be authentic in my life. Not in a box where I only find him 30 minutes a day (on the days I manage to "try" to be alone with him... those of you with children know what I mean.)

A few weeks ago we focused on prayer. I felt like it was the perfect topic because it was just as I was trying to quickly get around a trip to Disney World for Savannah. I prayed fervantly all week about this trip: finding deals, peace about leaving Adam and Joey, a successful garage sale, a well-behaved 3 year old, etc. I felt like I wouldn't receive if I didn't ask... so I held nothing back in asking. Ask... Seek... Knock, right?? Needless to say, my focus began to change. I refused to believe it, because I was still praying about it. My heart had to be in the right place if I was taking it to God, right? Adam and I started to fight, I wasn't sleeping at night, I was obsessed about finances. In God's perfect plan, He sent me a clear message that week. Without going into detail, let's just say God showed me that my plans aren't always His plans. That Sunday, as we shared in our small groups, someone spoke about selfishness in prayer. It was like God was speaking audibly to me. I realized that despite my prayers, the intent of my heart was never pure. I was never really open to the idea of God telling me that right now wasn't the time to go to Disney... instead, I just kinda told him how it was going to be. But I prayed about it, so that was ok. Well, it wasn't and it isn't. I look back now at how i treated Adam through the entire week leading up to the garage sale, etc. and I see how my selfishness was disguised as love for my daughter. I never thought this could happen... but it did. The whole "thy will be done" became "MY will be done and You just bless it, God." I know prayer isn't about just asking for things... it is about God revealing to us His desire for us. We went to Disney World. I saw God everywhere. He blessed the trip... but it wasn't because of me. The weeks leading up to the trip taught me an huge lesson that I thought about much of the time I was there.

I've also been thinking about Confession. Not the Confession in the booth type, but the open hearted, honest, ugly confessions that I have neglected to do for years. The book we are reading, The Life You've Always Wanted by John Ortberg deals with this issue. Ortberg talks about how we don't talk about sin anymore as a society. Many Christians, me included, have gotten to the point in our prayer life that we ask for a blanket of forgiveness, without ever really stopping to think about what we need forgiveness for. I know I lose my temper, I know my patience level can be low. But I don't think I ever ask specific forgiveness for specific acts of sin. Ortberg talks about David in Psalms. His confessions to God were specific. Why? There is something in naming those sins individually that makes us see them for what they are... and for who they hurt. Not just us, or the person we sinned against... but they also hurt God. And naming them, as best as I can recall, really helps lead to true repentance. And boy, did this come into play this week. Adam and I had a rough Friday. I mean ROUGH. I don't know if I was still in vacation mode and he was still used to being in bachelor mode... but we just did not like one another. I said some horrible things and didn't think twice about it.... Until I thought about confession. Then it smacked me... HARD. As I was confessing to God all the things that I said, it hit me how ugly and horrible I acted, how selfish and arrogant I sounded, how unattractive and vile I behaved. Before I could go to Adam and as for his forgiveness, I had to go to God. I had hurt Him to by my actions. It seems that in my Christian walk, there are days I take one step forward and two steps back. Friday, I think I lost about a mile. But... the wonderful part of Confession... is the other side of Grace. Knowing that God's forgiveness is there... that He wants for me to do better... that He wants for me to learn and grow. And when I went to Adam to ask for forgiveness, I hope he knew just how sorry I was.

So, my question this week... in dealing with Chapter 10 and the Guided Life, had to do with being honest....

Honestly, are you becoming the person that God has planned?

Wow. This was a difficult question. Why? Because it honestly requires me to do less talking and moving and a little more listening. We've all heard that God speaks in a still, small voice. I don't want that voice to become impossible for me to hear because I can maintain a level of busy-ness that allows me to block the Spirit out. So... the answer.

I don't know what God has planned for me. There is an old childrens song I remember that went...

He’s still working on me to make me what I ought to be.

It took Him just a week to make the moon and stars,

The Sun and the Earth and Jupiter and Mars.

How loving and patient He must be, He’s still working on me.

There really ought to be a sign upon the heart,

Don’t judge her yet, there’s an unfinished part.

But I’ll be perfect just according to His plan

Fashioned by the Master’s loving hands.

In the mirror of His Word reflections that I see

Make me wonder why He never gave up on me.

He loves me as I am and helps me when I pray

Remember He’s the Potter, I’m the clay.

I know as long as I am conciously working on my relationship with Him, I'm moving in the right direction. I'm learning that "working" on this relationship can mean giving grace to my husband and children, spending time outdoors enjoying the splendor of his creation, learning to take care of my body as He would desire, and really removing the many layers of my surface to reveal just how much work there is to go.

I don't know what God has planned. I don't know what I want to do when I grow up yet. I'm just glad I found a best friend in Adam that will be with me through the entire growing up process. Growing together in Christ with him has been one of the greatest joys of my life... and we are just beginning.

Couch to 5K: Training vs. Trying

2009-06-30T11:31:00.000-07:00

I'm kinda afraid to put this out there... but I've decided to run a 5K. I think putting it out "there" will help me push toward it. Haven't decided which one, or when specifically... but I'm hoping to find something next spring/early summer.

I'm starting to do a program called "Couch to 5K." Today was Day 1. Actually, I've been consistenlty walk/jogging for over 4 weeks now, and I decided I needed to start making it count.

Adam has been absolutely wonderful. He is encouraging me by not thinking twice when I ask to head out to the streets or up to the treadmill. Today, I was actually feeling a little down and not wanting to push myself, and he returned home from the store with a card that brought me to tears and made me realize I was making a difference in my life and in my family's life. THAT is what encouragement is about.

I posted this as "Training vs. Trying" because in the book I've been reading there was a chapter devoted to that. And this is exactly what I'm going to do. I'm going to start training to run this 5K. It's a slow start... it would be even slower had I NOT started "trying" 4 weeks ago. But now I'm taking it a little more seriously. I can't say that I really have anything in my life that I've really had to work hard to achieve (except giving birth to Savannah... but that was only by the grace of God AND the doctors... not my effort :) No one wants to hear that birthing horror story! ). And this is going to be my first challenge for myself.

When I get out my running shoes, Savannah gets this sad look on her face and says, "Mommy, are you going to go runnin' now?" And although I respond with "Yes," she looks up at me and says, "Ok, Mommy. I love you." THAT is what encouragement is all about.

The Discipline of Joy

2009-06-23T06:56:00.000-07:00

Sorry it has been so long since I've written. Birthday parties have a way of taking an entire week to plan and execute. I sometimes wonder if in trying to create memories for our children, we lose sight of their celebration. I hope not. She seemed excited and thrilled. Especially with the special phone call from "Cinderella" herself.

I've been working the last week or so on the discipline of joy. Yeah, an actual spiritual discipline. Ortberg says that a discipline does not have to be something you dread doing. So, I'm working on joy.

It is amazing. At first glance, I would say that I am a joyful person, and I think most people would probably agree, at least from what they see of me on the outside. But those people that really know me (and those that work with me), know that I can get into moods where I am a constant complainer. It is contagious. And it is something that I want to work on. I can pick complaining or gratitude. And I want to pick gratitutde. It is so easy for little things to get me down, or ANNOYED, or bothered. I let little and big things steal my joy. And the key to that is I LET THEM steal my joy. It is something that I can control.

So, I'm finding joy in the small things. Like the fact I just looked over and Savannah has covered her arms, chest, and belly with a purple marker. I'm choosing to laugh. She has joy.... and the marker is washable. :)

Seasons of Life... What is yours?

2009-06-11T13:22:00.000-07:00

I apologize for the long passage ahead, but I hope some of you find it as meaningful as I did.

from Chapter 3 "Training vs. Trying" The Life You've Always Wanted by John Ortberg

"There is more good news in that our season of life is not a barrier to spiritual growth.

"A mother in our small group suggested that it was easier for her to "work on her spiritual life" before she became a mom. As we talked, it became clear what she meant. To her, reading the Bible and praying were the only two activities that counted spiritually. As a mother she felt that "time alone" was an oxymoron.

"In this the church had failed her. She had never been taught to see that caring for two young children, offered daily with expressions of gratitude and prayers for help and patient acceptance of trials, might become a kind of school for transformation into powerful servanthood beyond anything she had ever known. Somehow having a "quiet time" counted toward spiritual devotion, and caring for two children did not.

"Our season of life -- whatever it is -- is no barrier to having Christ formed in us.

"Whatever the season of life, it offers its own opportunities and challenges for spiritual growth. Instead of wishing we were in another season, we ought to find out what this one offers."

This really spoke to me this week. I don't know how many times in the last 3 years I've heard the statement from others that although this 'stage' of life with small children is difficult at times, I will one day look back and miss it... that I shouldn't wish these times away. Up until this week, I often would turn my head, roll my eyes, and say, "whatever, you aren't living in the constant whirlwind of infants." I know... how rude, right? This week, I got a kick in the teeth with this section of the book. I'm often catching myself "wishing" this part of my life away so that I can enjoy this, or do that, or go here... etc. But I have to stop myself and ask, "Is this what God has for me? To wish this wonderful years away so that I can have more time to myself? The answer is obvious... NO. These are the moments that I truly am being filled with Christ and learning how to love. Who did Christ call to him, even after the disciples tried to turn them away? It was children. Matthew 19:14. It is in our children, the innocent and loving, forgiving and pure of heart, that I really can see God's love for me. And why, oh why, am I rushing that time away? I am just like the woman in the small group that feels "If only I had time to...." and imagines the life I had before Savannah and Joey. To think of it now makes me ill. To think of a life without the most precious gifts God has given me...and to think that it is because of them I'm not living the full "spiritual" life that I am called to live . That is absolutely ludicrus! That is nothing but an excuse for my own failures. It is because of my children, in this season of my life, that I am learning that love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud, it is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs, it does not delight in evil, it always protects, it always trusts, it always hopes, and it always perseveres. It, love for and through my chidlren, NEVER fails (italics from I Corinthians 13). In reading this definition of love, I know that I am growing more spiritually by raising my daughters and living fully in each moment with them, than any amount of time on my own with my bible and "quiet time" would ever do. They are the Word of God in action. They are my fresh wind of God speaking to me. It is my actions and reactions, my comforting and compassion, my guiding and praising, that are getting me to my ultimate goal in life... to Love the Lord my God with all my heart, soul, and strength.

So that is what this season of lifeis offering to me at the time. I've adjusted my thinking... I've adjusted my attitude. God is still speaking to me... that's what is important. I can't imagine a more spiritual life without my beautiful daughters. It is the direct opposite: It is because of them, I've found a more satisfying and meaningful relationship with my Heavenly Father.

Officially Day #3....

2009-06-10T05:40:00.000-07:00

So... it's day 3 of vacation. I'm already wanting to take inventory.

I know I let the girls spend way too much time in the morning watching TV. I read somewhere yesterday that TV "consumption" goes up some 140% during the summer months, and I know why. For me (I'll use the excuse that my kids are so young), for me to get things accomplished, I have to keep them occupied and happy. The TV seems to catch them AND it is fairly educational to watch. Since they don't just sit and not move I guess I don't feel so bad. While the TV is on, they stop watching and will imagine and play, etc. Luckily, by late morning the TV is off and I have my "chores" done to be a more hands-on mom. This is guilt that I know some people would live with, but I don't have any guilt. My daughters are exceptionally bright (at least in my opinion) and their imaginations are incredibly active, for sure.

Now, onto other things. I'm reading three books right now. I don't know why I do that to myself. One is just a HUGE piece of fiction (I Know This Much is True by Wally Lamb), one is a devotional that Adam and I are both working through together (The Life You've Always Wanted), and one is for my personal walk (The Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennen Manning). I'd like to take an opportunity throughout the week and comment on these texts... to whom? I don't know. But sometimes just getting it out there is part of the intellectual process. And I know critically thinking about these texts will also make me a better teacher as I don't allow my brain to go on auto-pilot for the short 9 weeks or so we have off.

I'm fighting the demon of weight lately. I know what to do, I know what not to do. And I'm doing my best. I've been fortunate to have a husband that supports me in my desire to get out and walk/jog and is willing to watch the girls when he gets home. I'm trying to really pay attention to what I eat... not eliminating everything, but learning the true meaning of moderation. I have a goal, and I'm trying to plan to NOT fail on this one. I'm 30... it's time I start taking my health seriously. So... we'll see where that leads me. I'm learning it isn't about willpower only. Goodness knows I've tried that one before. But this summer is the perfect opporutnity to be able to focus on myself a few moments a day to ensure a good habit when school begins again in August. I'm using prayer as a powerful weapon against this "demon" as well. I know that with God's help, anything is possible. Even me losing 28 lbs. :)

So, there it is. My children are calling and so is the laundry.

2009-06-08T05:36:00.000-07:00

I am beginning to think I'm on this great journey. I don't know why it took me until the age of 30 to realize it, but I have finally realized it. I looked forward to the end of this school year for so many reasons. Obviously, I wanted to spend time with my girls. Being three and one, they are so much fun to be with every day. But also, I am finally getting to a point where I'm learning how to wear multiple hats and wear them well. Kinda the jack-of-all trades, master of none. But for me, that is okay right now. I can only do so much at one time in my limited human body, and I'm okay with that. So, I'm wanting to start a blog this summer so I can keep track of "stuff." "Stuff" I want to accomplish, "stuff" I want to keep track of, and "stuff" I need to be held accountable for. Maybe I shouldn't be putting stuff out there like this, but if I don't let people know my heart and where I stand, no one really knows me for me and can be the "friends" (facebook has taught me a new definition of 'friend') I need them to be.

We'll see what this blog brings... I have pretty high hopes. I've entitled it "Ramblings from a Ragamuffin" because that is what I truly am.